Monday, September 20, 2004

Sexual Continuum?

this is top secret. if you know me in real life, this doesn't go any further than this blog!
Okay, so I've had this weird conversation with a lady friend of mine on the topic of my sexual orientation. It was perhaps the most shocking "pillow-talking" session ever!
So, we were talking about the general gossip you know..."who's gettin' wit whom?" and then my lady friend asked me about me. Here's how I remember this conversation (I will place a few [censors] around things that are too hot for Blogger!):

Lady: So...a few [people] think that you're not really gay, and you're just saying that to advance on girls.

[my head explodes]

Me: whaaa?!!

[trying to figure out which question to ask first because there are like a million of them circling in my head]

Me: Which [people] are saying this?

Lady: I can't say.

Me: You can't just tell me that and leave me hanging.

Lady: Sorry, I'm sworn to secrecy.

[trying to comprehend her "not-telling secrets" logic. It takes a while.]

Me: Well can you at least explain why the feel this way? It's sounds insane! I'm the gayest person I know!

Lady: Well first of all, are you?

Me: Am I what?!!

Lady: gay?

[Now, I've known this Lady for almost 2 years. And I've never told her different. Well...I did probably tell her about my journey towards my gay-ness which I like to call my "trial-and-error" approach to sexual orientation.]

Me: Yes, of course I'm gay! You definitely know that! I can't believe you're doubting it!

Lady: Well, I just wanted to make sure you didn't change.

Me: CHANGE?!

Lady: Yea, I mean there was that time when...[explains my T & E approach]

Me: but that was just a thing...I'm was confused! AH! Do you know any people who turn straight ever?!

Lady: Well I know people who have.

[OMG!]

Lady: A teacher...

[She rambles on about some closet case...I am still in "awe" of the whole thing.]

Lady: I mean you do hang out with [that girl] alot.

Me: well duh...she's my friend.

Lady: You flirt alot too! Remember [that party].

Me: Whaa?! We were sleeping!! and I don't flirt. When a gay man flirts with a girl, it's not because he's attracted to her...It means...

[at this point, I realize that I just contradicted myself. So I take another path]

Me: I'm shocked and appauled! I still don't get it. I mean, I've told you about my gay conquests before...
[bad stories of past lovers un-covered yet again.]

Lady: Well, I still thought you had changed. There was also this other time...
[She starts with this story... and it's totally...truly...the worst story ever! and it involves the movie From Dust Till Dawn. She totally believes I am straight cause of one incident. And this incident is soooo unreliable!]

[This conversation ends with me trying to reassure her that I'm, in fact, a homosexual.But it does have it's bright sides like that she says that I'm not so effeminate and "stereotypically gay" as I orginally thought I was.]

Ugh, so lesson learned. I should be more gay. It has been decided. But it's so hard! I think I'm seemingly becoming more straight-like because I can't really act like I usually do. I can't freely display all my gay things in my dorm. I don't go to Gay Group meetings at my school anymore. I don't date. All my roommates are straight frat guys. ::sighs::

It's like I'm trying to deliberate why I should and shouldn't act gay. Do I put up the rainbow flags across my bedframe? Is that really me? Is society stereotypically telling me that I should? Do I choose not to at my own accord? Or are my roommates the deciding factor? How can I be me when there are so many factors telling me what I should be and how to act? Why can't I be comfortable? Why do people feel the need to define themselves in the eyes of others as reference points?

I never before felt this worry-some about myself or who I am. Just as I think I've found my place, there's always something contrary. I know I can't have total control of every aspect of me, but I would like to have something constant and tangible.

So hopefully, I'll get over this with some valued "me time" because other people are just making my head hurt.

PS- Alfred Kinsey is a gay whore!!! Don't read this books!

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