Thursday, March 24, 2005

frank update.

So here I am, awake at 6am... never when to sleep. I know this must have some "bite me in the ass" backlash sometime today. I feel fine now. I'm not sleepy...

or am I?

nope.

Anyways, I haven't done an update in forever... stupid Reno trip/Spring Break. I'm still trying to recover. So I just realized today, that I'm graduating! It barely hit me. I won't be in school anymore for the first time is like a million years! All my years and years of schooling are finally coming to an end, and I was wondering now that I can see a light at the end of the tunnel... What do I most cherish and dislike about my schooling? Do I have any regrets? Moments of shame? Well let's go through a list!!! It's list time!

Things that I WAS ashamed/ embarassed of:
1) My family: I've always been embarassed of my family. It's not their any more weirder than your average hispanic family. The whole idea of mixing my school/personal life with my family life freaked me out! I always kept them as separate as possible. There was only a few times where I let them in a little. Those moments were kinda scary for me. But I think that I'm becoming more accepting of them and I will let them in a little more often. Since my schooling in ending, I won't have that buffer to keep them out anyways.

2) My intelligence/smarts/brain stuff: (this is a long story) For a long time in the beginning years of my life, I've been treated as any other normal functioning kid... but then when I hit 7th grade one person changed it all for me. My Geography teacher once pulled me aside after class had ending and told me that I was a very smart kid and that I was going to go far in life.
Well, that changed me forever. With those words, I began to realize that I could be that kid. I could go as far as I wanted to. So at that moment, I thought of the biggest dream I could think of... going to college. (I know.. how lame! but you guys need to know.. before this, I had absolutely no aspirations about higher education at all) So the next couple of year were dedicated to me doing well in school... and I did. I had gone from an average hispanic guy to the smart hispanic guy in High School. I had made it. I was at the top of my class. I was 8th in a class of 300. I was in the National Honors Society. Graduated with high honors. And was accepted to the only school I applied for... I was on top of the world. (well, now the bad crap)
College was a new world for me. SMU was the most stereotypically beautiful campus ever. But as I started to learn, all my kudos and hardwork meant very little anymore. People were like a million times smarter. Everything was harder. I wasn't the smart guy anymore. I was demoted to average guy again. These times were really bad for me. I was emotionally low. Even my friends were smarter than I was. They were more cultured, well-travelled, well-read... so instead of being the usual guy I was in HS, I had to be someone else. Someone who didn't care about those things, but I did.
I tried so hard to change myself into a person that was unaffected by the smarter people... ugh, that sucked. (Anyways, I've now grown to learn that I am, in fact, intelligent in my own way.)

3) Body issues: Yeah, I know! Frank had body issues?! yeah, I did. It was crazy. They weren't big enough for me to develop an eating disorder or an obsession with working out... just enough for me to be misterable. Anyways, I'm now sane and like myself more... enough to post pics of myself ALL over the internet!!

4) Dad issues: I totally went through the whole, I miss my dad phase alot during my teen years. It was crazy. When I would spend time with my dad, I would always try too hard. I would throw all my accomplishments and try to use big words around him. I just wanted him to be proud of me. This dad thing leads into the sibling rivarly thing. I'm the only sibling that is in an educational route to life. All my other sibs are going straight to working class like my Dad. I guess in retrospect, I may have pushed my dad away with my blantant blows of accomplishment to him...
Even my mom thinks I'm a snob. what gives?

5) Finding Me: Who the hell am I? I don't know?! ugh! I'm still finding who I am. It sucks. When I finally think I know myself, a can of worms is opened.

sighs.

Now the cherish moments from my school life:
1) That geography teacher
2) When I went to all-state on trumpet AND saxophone that one year!
3) In 7th grade, I learned the trumpet... by the 2th month of learning I was 3rd chair out of 20 experienced players.
3) HS graduation
4) 1st day I moved into my dorm in college. It was in Mary Hay! Now I'm kinda glad that I'm in Shuttles now... it looks exactly like Mary Hay... I have gone full circle.
5) Saying all the names of my freshman class alphabetically in a circle over and over and over again. (ALL 30 of them!)
6) Getting my beanie!
7) Band, in general
8) My first bus party (it had to be the foam one!) After the foam party we went directly to a band party... Me and a random girl from my dorm (Waymee) covered in foam!!
9) Having a bad taste in my mouth, people cheering, my stomach was about to explode, I lift my head up and see Paul Ohanian look at me and say a minute, fifteen.
10) Writing comics of my Wacky and Adventurous friends.
11) Emily.

Whoa, it took me an hour to write this! I'm insane.

So I think I'll really miss college. I can remember when I missed HS... I've had soo many more intense experiences in college that Hs can never compare to it...

I wonder how I'll feel when it's all over.


Which reminds me, the year I graduated HS that "Graduation Song" by Vitamin C was out... crap... I'm going to download it and listen to it while crying, aren't I?

sighs.

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