Tuesday, October 25, 2005

my emotional shelf

I made this promise to myself that I was going to start "being" again. Whatever that entails. I feel like for a long time now, I've just been making myself do, feel and act a certain way. And it gets hard for me to mantain this. Not because these things aren't true. I hadn't been fake to myself. It is because I'm not used to having to deal with this part of me before. I've learn much about myself as of lately. And it's not like scared or thilled about this, it's just that I believe that I've finally [if not almost finally] have a vast acceptance of this part of me. Therefore, I can now put it back on the shelf that is my personal disposition, metaphorically speaking. I am now more comfortable [not totally] taking this part of me down from the shelf and feeling/using it again if it comes to that. So... now that everything is in place on my shelf [I really didn't mean to make this post about an imaginary shelf, seriously! heh.] I can get back to being more stable.

So now to talk about new things happening in the Frank according to the world. [Strike that, reverse it][nevermind, it sounds cooler] Oh man, so many things have happened to the Frank lately. And since I'm not focusing on the stuff on the high shelf anymore, I'll tell you guys about the stuff within my reach at the moment.

I've joined a community band. yeah, I know what you guys are thinking. Community band?! Whaa the fuuuuuu... I just decided that the easiest thing for me to do [playing in the Mustang Alum Band] wasn't my only option. I guess I was in a mood for change and make my friends more diverse. But I do love SMU band. It would of been awesome to be there and have that comforting sense of belonging to the SMU band has always given me. And that's the thing. I need to go outside of my comfort zone. It's not like I feel like a whole new person or anything like that [re: cultural hoe]. I just feel more aware and appreciated of things I know and do not know. So I want to expose myself to more things that I wouldn't of done before. And at the same time keeping my feet grounded. So I chose this community band. It's a band so it's not like I'm jumping off a cliff, but with new people I do not know [except one, I know one person there and if you have to ask who it is... then you're just being mean! Stop! I'm not going to let one person ruin my newly found cultural whorisms. Okay, seriously... I'm done with my bad play on words. starting now]. Anyways, I just came back from my first rehearsal, and let's just say I haven't picked up my trumpet since I came back from Reno, NV for the WAC basketball tournament.

The band is small, but you can never tell actually how many people are really in the band. People come when they can. Everyone, on average, is like 20 years older than I am. I think this is a good thing for several reasons. One, I won't be distracted by romantic entanglements. For those of you who know about the dynamic of how band works, you know more of less about the inappropriateness of it all. Although, you never know with this group. One person was talking about how she was going to the Cayman Islands next weekend... I was thinking "Ooh?!... I wanna go! Whaa? you don't swing that way? Well... I can break out my 2003 Pigskin/Halloween Costume and we can roll out... I was pretty damn hot." [PS. If you do not know what costume I am referring to then too bad. You should of been there. Never going to happen to me again... well, unless you offer me a free trip to the Caymans. Then I'll be your real cultural bitch/hoe] Craziness.

When going into this, I was thinking about bringing the roommate for reinforcement, but I think I'm going to stick it out and start swimming in the deep end without floaties for once. Jason has stuck up with all my crazy insanities this whole time. So now that I can walk again... I'll kick his arse to the curb, hehe. I kid, I kid.

sighs... what else, what else. oh! Speaking of romantic entanglements. I have sort of fought with myself whether or not I was going to start up again. And I, at first, decided that I was going to just jump in head first and see how I would react. [seeing how I would react. Story of the last month of my life] And after a few awkward/creepy/confusing dates, I was going to call it quits. But then I realized that I just really need to just go with the flow, relax, and know that I don't need this... I just want it. Wants aren't important. They don't have to be these huge things I need to survive. Just doing it for fun's sake. After that process of thinking sunk in, I had alot more fun with dating since. And just an update of that... I have met one person that I sort of like. And seriously speaking, I wouldn't mind if we just ended up being good friends. It would be still awesome. Right now, I just have an enjoyable time with him. And isn't that what it's all about anyways?
I'm so glad I didn't lock myself in my room... for too long. heh.

One last thing, I've started exercising a bit. And I can't say it's the easiest thing I've done with this new outlook. And I really think that there's a direct correlation between me being happier lately and sweaty clothes I have to wash more oftenly. So, I suggest that everyone go out and do your laundry now! It's a mood booster!!
Ugh, my arms still hurt and I haven't done them in 3 days... is that bad? Anyways perhaps if I had better eating habits, I would actually lose some weight... but meh. Why give up food AND being lazy? I have to had at least one, right? [whispers: right]
I heard that!!

-frank confirmed-

**stay tuned for my next post about my [Jason's and I] awesome Pumpkin Party happening today at 7:30 [ reminder, kids]. I think I'm going to make a Candy Striped Jack o'Lantern. I'll have pics... I better remember.

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