Sunday, November 13, 2005

frank workin'

Oh my... this past week has been one of my most hellish work weeks ever! I've been substituting in Kindergarden. KINDERGARDEN! Screw the terrible twos... it's all about the horrifying 5 year olds!!

I've worked with older kids... I've even worked with younger kids (preK) and none of them come close to the wacky craziness of kindergardeners. They are like some small gnome-type creatures that find little ways to annoy and smite you. And in light of this experience, and in the footsteps of Piaget and Kohlberg, I think I should make a little developmental stage theory! Yay! I feel like I'm in school again!

Frank's Developmental Theory
stageONE: [birth - preK] Born with a clean slate. Impulsive. Very little to no logic. cute as hell.
stageTWO: [kindergarden] Dun, dun dunnnnn! Tend to test their surroundings for inconsistances and/or weakness. Attacks at will. Watch out for spitting, biting, headbutting, incessant crying, stubbornness, and what I coined as "mymomsaidididnothaveto"-isms. Does not respond to reason or punishment. Normal behavioral/ congition schemas do not apply at this age.
stageTHREE: [1st-4thISH] Have the most logic. Best at retaining info and exelling at academia. The transitions from stages TWO to THREE and THREE to FOUR are drastic and finite. You can't miss them. Night and Day.
stageFOUR: [5th-12th] All the preteen/teen/young adult self-centered crap comes. All the info retained from stageTHREE is overshadowed by hormones, attitutes, and the social hierarchy of popularity in school. Most people stay in this stage for their lifetimes. Others mutuate into a mix of stageFOUR and stageTWO. These mutants are called ALL THE FREAKING PARENTS I HAVE TO WORK WITH!!!

UUUUGH!
Here is some craziness for your enjoyment.

• Meeting a parent, then the parent turns and tells my partner-teacher that she'll be more than happy to volunteer in she needed some help.


• Don't you hate it when it's nap time and the same kids that are not sleeping fall asleep at the last minute and never want to get up. And you have to CARRY them up a flight of stairs for their Spanish class?!!!


• Negative reinforcement always works!!! (All you psych majors know what that is. It's not bad, trust me It's not hitting. That's technically, positive punishment)


• Everyone in Extended Care is now my bitch. seriously! Ever since people know I'm really a teacher now.. I get mad props.


• I didn't accidentally step on anyone's hair! woot.


• Why would you force a kid into a health food diet? Just because you're a hippie doesn't mean you have to make your kid one too! It's weird. When a kid has Baked Lays as a "dessert/fun" item for lunch, you have problems. I mean come on... sliced cherry tomatoes?! seriously!


• I had to have my lunch in the room while the kids had naptime... isn't that like cruel or something?


• Finally have my check from subbing like a million months ago... stupid administration! You always looked at me funny when I complained. Well, bam! It was your fault all along. They used the old "I didn't know there were two Franciscos... argh! Too lazy to look at the last name, eh?!


• Would I do it again? Hella yeah. I get to boss kids around all day.... and I get paid for it! sweet!

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